We can all agree that parenting is tough. But I think we should also acknowledge that marriage is no cake walk either! Even the most loving of couples can find themselves at odds from time to time. So I ask you, how do we handle these stormy moments?
Before having kids, my husband and I would throw daggers at each other from across the room (figurative daggers, of course!) We would spit fire at one another for a while, and then cool down the inferno with some chilly silent treatment for several more hours. I remember one particularly exciting argument early on in our relationship... my husband stormed out of the house screaming, "I'M JUST GOING TO GO PLAY IN TRAFFIC!" My response was, "GOOD, HAVE FUN!" I couldn't take his threat too seriously, since he was heading for the road in front of our house, which was a dead end with a 15 mile an hour speed limit. I figured he was pretty safe.
Over the years, our arguments have become fewer and farther between, but they still creep up on occasion. It's impossible to merge your life with another person, without ever experiencing disagreements, hurt feelings, or sheer annoyance! When kids come into the picture, however, it's harder to weather these times. There never seems to be a good time to fight, but is it wise to avoid fighting in front of the kids altogether?
Obviously, I don't condone regular screaming matches around children. Watching your parents argue is extremely upsetting for kids; it brings up intense feelings of fear and anxiety. How can a child feel safe, when their parents are acting completely out of control?
That being said, it can be equally damaging to have parents who never argue. Everyone has a friend whose parents divorced once the children reached adulthood. Often these adult children are completely floored by the news! Usually the first thing they say is, "But I never even heard my parents fight." Just because people aren't fighting doesn't mean they aren't harboring some serious resentment. Often it's the things we don't say that breed the most anger.
So where does that leave us? As parents, we can't participate in all-out fistycuffs or regularly inflict the silent treatment on one another. This makes me wonder..... Can the occasional fight be okay, as long as we fight fairly?
Kids should understand that adults don't always get along. Most of us do our best to respect and appreciate one another, but sometimes even the most mindful people fall short. Maybe it's okay for them to see our imperfections, wounds, and shortcomings. Perhaps, they should see that people can get super-angry at each other and still truly love one another.
Whenever my husband and I do fight, I really work at being honest and fair. It's extremely challenging to be compassionate when you're angry, but then again, that's a sign of true compassion. It's easy to be loving when your boundaries are not being tested. It's a piece of cake to be kind when no one is pushing your buttons! I may not always say the right thing and my emotions can get the better of me, but I still force myself to think of love, even when I'm hugely pissed off!
I want our children to stand up for themselves. I want them to speak their minds. I want them to have opinions and values to fight for. But I never want them to fight dirty. It is possible to tell someone that their attitude needs adjusting, without telling them that they're a piece of crap! It's also possible to share opposite opinions, without making the other person wrong. It's even possible to set aside one's own hurt feelings, in order to see the situation more clearly. Of course, doing this in the heat of the moment is not always easy. However, I think our children stand a much better chance of taking the higher ground, if they've had the opportunity to witness it through their parents.
So next time your spouse hurts your feelings or fails to appreciate your efforts... think, before you react. Take a breath and choose your words thoughtfully. Reacting from pure emotion generally ignites the situation, and rarely sets the stage for a fair fight. Don't allow yourself to get dumped on, but don't do the dumping either. Set the record straight, speak honestly and from the heart, and avoid hitting below the belt. Teach your kids that there's a healthy way to disagree. And when you do dish out a low blow, own up to it and apologize accordingly.
And if at all possible, don't go to bed with anger still brewing. Negative emotions in any form are toxic, but negativity that's had an opportunity to fester is far worse! So do yourself a favor, let it go! We are all "works in progress"; hopefully, tomorrow we'll be closer to becoming a masterpiece that we are today.
You are so wise!
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